Me in the Santa Fe Reporter!

Hi there SEXed followers,

It’s been a little while since I’ve posted because I’ve been traveling, working on Pornotopia 2013 and writing ALL THE THINGS! And instead of telling you about why I was too busy, I’ll just update you on what’s new with

My most recent, exciting news is that I’m writing a sexuality column for the Santa Fe Reporter each month! I’m really excited to share the information in my brain and the amazing work of other sex educators with Santa Fe Reporter readers.

So without further adieu, here is the October column for the Santa Fe Reporter (better late than never, amiright?).

This is not your typical sex column. My approach to sex education comes from a concept you’ve probably never heard of —sex positive.

Sex positive is the idea that pleasure is natural and healthy and that you have the capacity to experience as much or as little pleasure as you want, as long as it’s consensual and safe. It means I believe it’s important to be educational, medically accurate and supportive of diverse needs and desires.

I didn’t make this up. The idea of sex positive and sex negative was made popular by a student of Sigmund Freud named Wilhelm Reich.

Reich believed that “sexuality, fundamental to our being, and yet a source of shame for centuries, had the power to heal much of what ailed us, if only we would let it.”

The modern sex positive movement builds on that idea with another adage: not all people enjoy sex to the same degree. It’s important to state that if sex is not important to you, that’s just fine too! Many people who identify as asexual lead happy, healthy lives and maintain fulfilling relationships.

Growing up in Santa Fe gave me great insight into diversity and acceptance of ‘other’ lifestyles. Moving to Albuquerque and attending the University of New Mexico gave me even more perspective on how most New Mexicans have room for improvement when it comes to accepting sexuality as a natural, healthy part of life.

Another aspect of sex positive education is that I won’t shame you if you like being tied up, or you want to use a male chastity device. I won’t shame you if you want to have sex in the missionary position for the rest of your life and never want to be spanked. I won’t shame you if you if you want to be consensually non-monogamous and you enjoy having multiple partners. I won’t shame you if you love one person, and don’t want to bring others into your relationship. I won’t shame you if you have a fetish that doesn’t personally jive with my fantasies and desires. As a consenting adult you are able to make your own choices about your sexuality, your sexual orientation, gender identity and expression.

As the store manager at Self Serve Sexuality Resource Center; New Mexico’s only woman-owned and operated, sex-positive, education-based retail shop specializing in non-toxic sex toys — I also want to raise awareness of the incredible diversity of human sexuality. I want to help reduce shame and fear of discussions around sex and masturbation, and to help those conversations come out of the closet. These are lofty goals, I know. But you might be surprised at the number of people who crave this type of discussion around sexuality. Almost every day in my job someone tells me they have so many questions to which they want answers, but they don’t feel comfortable asking a doctor or partner.  I have visited with couples who’ve been married for 30 years, and are just now talking to each other about what their desires are, and what they want to try next.

So, let’s create a dialogue around sexuality and gender in Santa Fe that will be valuable to a diverse audience.

Next month’s November column will look at polyamory and what it means, (loving more than one person in an ethical, honest way). Santa Fe is home to a strong voice and activist for polyamory, Mim Chapman.

I welcome feedback and story ideas, which you can send to Additionally, I will answer your anonymous questions about sex and sexuality, so please feel free to send those too and check back at

Hunter Riley is a Santa Fe native living and working in Albuquerque. She is the store manager of Self Serve Sexuality Resource Center.

The TEDTalks of Sex

Sexuality education as an industry seems to be on the rise these days. Everyone and their mother wants to be a sex educator, talk about sex, write about sex, etc. And I’m happy to count myself as one of those people. If you like learning about sex things, then strongly consider checking out Swellcon, a virtual conference on sex and media that was launched in August by the fine folks over at The Smitten Kitten.

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Safer sex just got sexier

The FC2 condom is a great alternative to the male, aka external, condom. The FC2 works for both male and female bodies, and it is often used for anal sex.
Have you ever used an internal condom like the FC2?




So you want to be less creepy. Charlie Glickman has some advice.

Charlie Glickman educates around adult sexuality and is an author and speaker. He recently posted a brief piece about creepy men and gave tips on how to avoid being creepy when you are interested in a woman. I think these rules can be applied to any person.

Creepiness ends up affecting all of us, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, and it’s especially challenging for male-female interactions. Plenty of women have articulately described how annoying it is for them, though so far, I’ve seen far fewer men talk about how it affects us.

It’s important for guys to be talking about this, too.Given the very scary possible consequences for women when men approach them, I think it’s entirely reasonable for someone to assume that a random guy hitting on her is a possible predator until he demonstrates otherwise. I understand that that creates a frustrating situation- after all, who likes to have to prove their good intentions? And it’s also one of the many ways in which sexism and misogyny make things harder for men. If you want that to change, work to change things. Don’t complain that women don’t assume you’re a good guy. Their reasons for not doing so are useful protective measures in a world that sets them up as targets to be harassed, groped, and assaulted while simultaneously blaming them for it.”

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Reason no. 342 why Stoya is awesome

Female Gazing

The other day a friend referred me to an article that made me cry.  I would copy/paste the whole thing here but I won’t.

It’s written by adult performer Stoya about how the treatment she receives as a porn star tends to be less cruel than the hostility of common street harassers.

First she counts off the times she’s been harassed at a trade show.  The harassment is creepy but sounds not much worse than Bridget Jones’s family reunions.

The following bit is what made me tear up.  It’s too familiar.

They say I have a sweet ass, nice tits, a real pretty dress. They say I’m their future wife, or I’d look good with their dick in my mouth. They try (and probably succeed at times) to take pictures down my shirt. They ask if they can get my number, they ask where I live, why I’m not smiling, why…

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