“Thinking off” and other fun facts from people who know a lot about orgasms.
Orgasms are pretty amazing, don’t you think?
Two very nice sex educators, Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller, wrote a book in 2007, “I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide,” and Miller will be at UNM on Tuesday to talk about this subject so near and dear to our hearts.
Miller will be co-presenting at UNM with Maggie Keenan-Bolger for the program, The Female Orgasm. The presentation will be at 7 pm on Tuesday, Sept. 25 in the UNM Sub Ballrooms. For more info on the program, click here.
If you want to know more about the lovely and often misunderstood female orgasm, come check it out. In the meantime, check out the Q&A I did with Miller and Solot over email.
1) What can a women do if she doesn’t have orgasms during intercourse with a male partner?
First of all, she should know that she’s NORMAL! In fact, most of her female friends are probably having the same experience. Only about 30 percent of women with male partners can have orgasms from intercourse alone. The idea that women are SUPPOSED to reach the Big O this way comes from TV and movies, not real life, and has left a lot of couples confused and frustrated!
A few ideas for what she can do:
– Touch her own clitoris (or have her partner do so) while they’re having intercourse. This is hands-down (pun intended!) the most popular way to solve the problem.
– Use a vibrator on her clit (or have her partner do so) while having intercourse. Self-Serve can help!
– Experiment with angles and positions to try to increase clitoral stimulation, maybe by rubbing against the man’s pubic bone or the shaft of his penis.
– Stop trying! Enjoy an orgasm before an intercourse or after. There’s no gold star given to women who can come during intercourse — and an awful lot of sweat and tears wasted on trying to achieve that goal.
2) What can a woman try if she’s never had an orgasm?
The number one most effective thing she could do is masturbate on her own, without the distraction of a partner. If it works, you can always bring it back to share with him/her later!
I don’t mean sitting down with orgasm as a goal. I mean, explore, experiment, try every creative way of touching yourself, and just pay attention to how all different things feel. Over the course of days and weeks, keep experimenting, doing more of whatever feels good.
If it appeals to you, using a vibrator can be a great way to learn how to have orgasms — some women’s bodies just need that more intense level of stimulation.
Women who feel like they need more help might find it helpful to work with a sex therapist or sex coach, or read a book. My top recommendation on this subject is “The Elusive Orgasm: A Woman’s Guide to Why She Can’t and How She Can Orgasm,” by Vivienne Cass.
3) How can someone try to female ejaculate if they haven’t?
Female ejaculation usually (though not always) comes from G-spot stimulation. Lots of women find that when they get aroused, particularly if there was G-spot stimulation involved, they experience a sensation of needing to pee. But what she’s feeling isn’t urine, it’s ejaculate. If she gives herself permission to release, relax, and possibly push out as if she were trying to pee, she may discover she can ejaculate!
That said, I always worry that female ejaculation will become one more item on a long “to do” list for women. I think, if you’ve always ejaculated, cool! That’s a normal thing that some women’s bodies do. If you think it sounds like fun, give it a go! And if you don’t feel like trying, or you try and nothing happens, that’s totally fine and normal, too. Women can have sensational sex lives and never ejaculate once.
4) What is one of the most interesting facts you’ve learned about female orgasm in your research?
A small percentage of women are able to have orgasms without any physical stimulation at all, just fantasy alone. The official term for this the best part: “thinking off.” We’re definitely jealous. I guess those women never have to be bored while standing in line at the bank.
5) How many types of female orgasm do you think exist?
I’m gonna go out on a limb here, and say I think we should all stop worrying about how many types of female orgasm there are.
Freud was the first one who got people’s panties in a bunch about this, by saying that so-called “vaginal orgasms” were better than so-called “clitoral orgasms.” That’s hogwash. Personally, I don’t believe in a hierarchy with “better” or “worse” kinds of orgasms. If it feels great, then it’s great! And it’s for the woman to experience in her own body — we don’t need rankings by some old, dead guy.
The reality is, there are an infinite kinds of stimulation that can lead to orgasm. It might be a clit or or a G-spot. Or an earlobe. Or the perfect combination of nipple and inner thigh. Of course, different kinds of stimulation can lead to orgasms that feel different.
There’s a lot of research being done these days with MRIs and PET scanners to try to understand the brain activity, and which nerves get triggered by different kinds of stimulation.
You know what I think about the research? I don’t think it matters. (Due respect to the researchers, though.) Orgasms are about pleasure. They tend to work the best when people are enjoying themselves, enjoying their partners, and tuned into the sensations or the fantasies of the moment. Thinking about nerves and body parts, or worrying about trying to have one kind and avoid having another kind — that works against you. So I wave the United Banner of Orgasm, that we can all march under together.
If that doesn’t whet your whistle, come to the event on Tuesday for more details and also check out Self Serve online or you can call the store at 505 265 5815.