WORK WITH ME


I offer a variety of classes, presentations, training opportunities, consultations and more. I love to work with people and find a win-win situation. Think of it as a build-a-bear factory for sex & relationship work. If you’re ready to dive in, you can book me at this link http://bit.ly/2oQb71C

Photo by ABQ Free Press

I offer private shopping either in person or online at http://www.selfservetoys.com

I can come to your house and do a private party or class of your choice with your friends

I offer training opportunities for medical providers and can give you a list of the places that have hired me in the past including the University of New Mexico Hospital (UNMH), the UNM Occupational Therapy Program, The New Mexico Strangulation Taskforce, Enlace Comunitario and many more.

I can do a presentation about sexual health, communication, consent, oral sex, gspots & squirting, handjobs, blowjobs, butt stuff, kink & BDsM, non-monogamy, group sex, threesomes and much more. You name it, I’ve probably presented on it before and would love to do it again.

You can also hire me to build an age-appropriate conversation to have with your child or teenager about their sexuality, relationships and more.

I do private consulting for people of all relationship statuses. If you want to start dating again or strengthen your existing relationships, I can help.

ABOUT ME


Hunter Riley is the manager of operations and outreach at Self Serve Toys, a sex educator, speaker and social media maven.

 

After earning degrees from the University of New Mexico in psychology, Spanish and journalism, she gained 5+ years of experience managing a feminist sex shop and talking to customers every day about their sex questions, challenges and successes. She understands that talking about sex can feel scary or intimidating. She helps adults find their voice and comfort level around conversations about sex and sexuality. She helps create an environment where people feel comfortable talking about sex if that feels right for them, and not feel ashamed if they prefer to be more private. She has taught workshops on pleasure, sex toys, communication, safer sex, consent, oral sex, kink, non-monogamy, birth control and more! Her background includes trainings and workshops about sexuality, relationships, masculinity, consent, sexual trauma, domestic violence, communication skills, body positivity and more!

Hunter has taught classes and workshops in English and Spanish at Universities, healthcare offices, sex week events, domestic violence prevention organizations and more. She has authored several sex columns for newspapers and online media outlets in New Mexico including the Daily Lobo, the Santa Fe Reporter and Albuquerque Free Press. She has partnered with organizations like Planned Parenthood, the University of New Mexico, UNM Hospital, Enlace Comunitario, Santa Fe Care Center and more. Her style is comfortable, approachable, friendly and fun, which leaves people feeling relaxed and empowered to explore their own sexual identity without feel ashamed of where they’re at. Her experience managing a retail sex shop, coordinating classes and events, creating groups for young adults interested in kink and non-monogamy and having an upfront and strong social media presence had given Hunter the credibility to have a presence in the sex education industry. Anyone interested in hiring Hunter or learning more about the services she provides can contact Hunter via email at hunter@selfservetoys.com for more information.

Updates from 2020!


It has been a *minute* since I’ve update this blog. I’ve been busy continuing to work for Self Serve Toys as their Director of Education and Outreach. I picked up a few more gigs doing work with PepLove.com and some other fun projects. I finally came back to this blog and realized I’ve changed and updated my perspective, language and thinking on so many things related to sexuality. I’m going keep all my old content up, because I like being able to see where I came from, but I just wanted anyone reading this to know that I’m growing and learning as a person, and that will hopefully be reflected in this blog.

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My goal with this blog going forward:

I would like to use this blog to allow people to find some of my past work, find out if they want to hire me or work with me, and find resources they might want to share. Most of my updated work can be found on Self Serve’s blog.

Stay tuned, and if you want more up-to-date info about me and my work, you can follow me on

Facebook

Twitter

Instagram

 

Take My Online Course “Mastering the BJ: Interactive Skills”


I have been so busy in the last year working on a project that I hope you’ll enjoy! I teach a class at Self Serve Toys in Albuquerque, NM called “Mastering the BJ: Interactive Skills”

It is one of the most popular classes we offer, so I figured it’s about time to have this class online so we can share the love with everyone who isn’t able to attend an in-store class. So, without further delay, here it is via Vimeo!

Learning to Break Up


A shame-free approach to ending relationships

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Sex and breaking up have more in common than you might think.

Both take a certain level of self-awareness, acceptance and communication to get your needs met.

Unfortunately, we do a sub-par job of teaching people how to develop these skills. So most of us awkwardly stumble through both, often feeling hurt and unsatisfied.

About a month ago, I ended a relationship I had been in for six years. It was a messy, painful process to end a partnership that was mostly positive and transformative.

The best advice, for me, came from my mom. She passed along something she had heard a while ago in a workshop. The thing about breaking up, she says, is that it cracks your heart wide open to give and receive love in new ways.

Hearing this advice was exactly what I needed in that moment. But here’s the other thing about breaking up: Everyone needs to hear something different or go through a different mourning/growth process.

Most examples of breaking up that we see show people at their worst. And while that is the experience for lots of folks, I wish we had a wider variety of breakup models available.

We’re changing and growing throughout our lifetimes, and I think it’s more of a shame to deny happiness to yourself and your partners because ending the relationship is challenging.

As I was trying to figure out the best way to disentangle my life from someone who was very deeply integrated, I looked for resources about how to manage a breakup as gracefully and ethically as possible.

Some of my favorite tips from QueerFatFemme.com:

  • Don’t listen to those who have timelines for how soon you should be getting over your heartbreak or moving on to a different stage. It’s your process, not theirs.
  • Do what feels right to you about getting laid. Hook up on Craigslist, go to a sex party, or just stay celibate for a while. It’s your timeline, and don’t feel pressured to do anything other than what feels right for you.
  • If you’re still friends with your ex on any social networking sites, stop that! Unfriend him/her!

Most “mainstream” breakup advice offered ideas like, “Don’t talk about it too much because you don’t want to bring your friends down too,” or “Keep it in your pants otherwise you’ll do something you’ll regret.”

We don’t give people the skills to deal with a breakup without shaming themselves or acting out toward their ex. And then there are threats like revenge porn, which is when people non-consensually post/distribute naked photos of their exes. It’s actually a big enough problem that a state legislator is talking about trying to pass a law about it next year. All this made me think that we need more and better information on breaking up without breaking down.

I reached out to people on social media about how they do breakups, and I received profound advice on how to take care of myself.

People suggested I pay attention to my feelings and needs and figure out what I wanted for healing and moving on. For example, I felt guilty for wanting to go out with friends and on dates. I felt that what I “should” be doing is moping and mourning. Societal norms and media have lead me to believe that if I’m not suffering, it means I don’t care.

Another fantastic, empowering resource was Zoë Femmetastica’s breakup survival guide on QueerFatFemme.com.

While breaking up might seem like (and actually be) one of the most painful things you’ve ever done, it provides ample opportunities for growth and self-examination.

The beauty of the situation is that you get the opportunity to honestly look at what you want, who you are and what you want to be.

This column was originally published in the Santa Fe Reporter on Dec. 2nd 2014.

 

Let’s Talk About Sex…ual Assault on College Campuses


Why you don’t have to be sorry forgetting real with college students

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It makes me so sad that the University of New Mexico felt the need to apologize for offering sex education to students last month. They apologized because we talked openly about prevention of some very palpable threats to safety on and off college campuses.

We—folks from the Women’s Resource Center and myself—bring sex education from a place of empowerment, consent, safety and pleasure. That last one really gets some people angry, because they’ve been taught to never talk about sex in terms of pleasure. (God forbid people actually enjoy it!) It is a clear sign of where we are as a culture to see upper-level administrators publicly pull their support for the programming of UNM’s inaugural Sex Week.

Officials apologized after they say they received around 50 complaints from a few parents and anti-abortion campus groups. They complained because we used “provocative” titles that couldn’t possibly teach students anything other than pure hedonism.

Really, I’m glad they noticed. We made the lecture titles eye-catching on purpose. After years of hosting sex education, I know it’s pretty rare that you get 75 people to come to a class titled “How to Communicate for Better Oral Sex.”

So we had a bit of fun with it and used workshop titles that would get attention and draw people in, such as “O-Face Oral,” which was a student-led workshop with standing-room only. Reid Mihalko’s “How To Be a Gentleman and Get Laid” drew a similar crowd. We even held off-campus workshops not paid for by university funds to educate people on “Negotiating Successful Threesomes” and other topics.

We aren’t alone in understanding that comprehensive sex education can lead to overall sexual health.

The World Health Organization defines sexual health as “a state of physical, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality. It requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence.”

If UNM students don’t have administrative support to access healthy sex education, UNM is ignoring a (potentially) really important part of coming into adulthood. Not to mention, they’re sending the message that students’ sexuality is something to apologize for, that sex is dirty, and we don’t need to provide this type of consent training to students. Obviously we do.

In mid-October, another UNM student was sexually assaulted at the Albuquerque campus. On Oct. 2, a student at Santa Fe University of Art and Design reported an incident of indecent exposure and threatening behavior.

During Sex Week, UNM released a Security and Fire Safety Report that showed a significant jump in reported sexual assaults on campus in 2013. In 2012, there were four reported cases, and in 2013, that number jumped to 11.

Even though conservative media like Breitbart and a group on campus called Students For Life had a field day by categorizing the effort as pro-abortion, many student groups have come forward to share their support for sex-positive events like Sex Week. Self Serve created a petition in support of Sex Week and received more than 1,000 signatures in under a week.

Then we got additional support when, at the end of October, both the Graduate and Professional Student Association and Associated Students of UNM passed resolutions in support of Sex Week.

I think Kat Haché said it best in an article about college sex weeks on the website Bustle. “The real danger here is not Sex Week,” Haché wrote. “The danger here is furthering the idea that sex is taboo and cannot be discussed in an open, frank manner. The danger is pretending that sex on college campuses does not exist. The danger is refusing to address issues like consent and boundaries when sexual assault is a reality for students… at universities across the country.”

We planned this event hoping it would get people talking about sex and sexual assault on college campuses. And we accomplished that goal. We knew some people wouldn’t support it, and that’s OK too. Now is the opportune moment for universities to embrace this type of education for the strides it can take to produce healthy, educated, well-rounded individuals.


This column was originally published in the Santa Fe Reporter on Nov. 4th 2014.

Addicted to Porn


Clinical psychologist David Ley questions common diagnosis

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We need to start having open, honest discussions about why the problem of so-called porn addiction actually has less to do with titillating material, and more to do with how people use them.

David Ley, a clinical psychologist and executive director of New Mexico Solutions who also published the book The Myth of Sex Addiction, is on a mission to define that difference.

“When we over-focus on pornography, we externalize the problem,” Ley says. “A person is sitting there watching pornography—it’s the person we are trying to help, and we shouldn’t spend too much energy trying to stop pornography.”

From my own experiences talking to people about porn (I love my job!), people use porn for many reasons, including boredom, curiosity, difference in libido and seeing sexual variety without experiencing and/or breaking relationship agreements.

Obviously, people can have an unhealthy relationship with sex or porn, and seeing a counselor or therapist is a really great way to work on what’s troubling them. But we see some trends in these industries that are pretty interesting.

Porn’s big consumers are still mostly older, rich, white men, the same demographic that’s most likely to be classified as as porn addicts, according to Ley. But, porn and sex addiction are not a diagnosis in the official Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders because there isn’t sufficient research to back up the label. Porn addiction is often classified as “high frequency viewing of sexual images,” according to Ley and his colleagues’ new academic review paper “The Emperor Has No Clothes: A Review of the ‘Pornography Addiction’ Model.”

It’s also common for people who feel they have a problematic relationship with porn to view it in places that are considered inappropriate, such as work. But I think that has more to say about our culture around sex and porn than about porn addiction, and Ley agrees.

“We are applying unfair bias against sexuality, such that we stigmatize and penalize people who are caught using pornography at work than if they are caught using Facebook or fantasy football,” Ley says. “And as an employer, I’ve got more of a problem with people spending time on social media than people watching porn at work.”

Ley says research from those who say porn addiction is a real thing says between 6 and 10 percent of people are addicted to porn, but it’s a bit more complex than that.

“As much as 10 percent of people might report to occasionally worrying about their use of porn, but substantially less than 1 percent (about .5 percent) of people report actually having problems from their difficulty controlling their porn use,” he writes.

Ley says a common theme in his practice is that patients who have a problematic relationship with explicit media often have few coping strategies to manage stress that has nothing to do with their sexual appetite.

“As people reduce down to a single coping strategy, whether it’s alcohol, pornography or collecting model trains, we see that one coping strategy can become a problem in their lives if they’re overusing it,” Ley says.

The media hype around porn addiction, and the lucrative treatment industry, would have us believe that consuming porn causes lasting physical changes in our brain, but Ley says the scientific support for those claims is often very weak.

“Research studies that make those claims never compare the effects of pornography to the effects of television,” Ley says. “There’s also research that illustrates when you show sports fans images of their sports team, their brain reacts in a very strong way that is identical to the way pornography is being described as causing brain changes. Are we then to assume that pro sports and NFL is addictive? No.”

Ley emphasizes that porn is no different from other forms of entertainment and is not intended to be a representation of real-life sex. However, in a culture that skimps on sex education for young adults, he says, they often to turn to porn as teacher. And those lessons aren’t really beneficial.

The psychologist who will teach a new class this semester at Southwestern College was recently featured on Katie Couric’s talk show Katie. Watch a video of the appearance below.

This column was originally published in the Santa Fe Reporter on Sept. 30th 2014.